Lost but surviving.

Iam a paradox. I am happy but at the same time i am sad. Im lazy yet im ambitious. I dont like myself, but i also love who iam. I say I dont care, but I really do. I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. I want someone to love me but i pushed them away. I want to feel pain but too weak to bear it. I want to slit my wrist but i dont want to die yet. Iam contented yet emptiness fizzled up inside me. I am a conflicted contradiction. If I cant figure myself out, there's no way anyone else has.

These are the reasons why I never share my problems. These are the reasons why its hard for me to fall in love. And these are also the reasons why i find it hard to believe that somebody could love me.
These are the reasons why I talked a lot, why i want to make myself busy, why i want to get lost. I mean, I am petrified of being by myself. I know it is nuts, even at a time. Loneliness cant kill us right? But the minute iam alone, i literally felt myself dissolving with terror.

Its funny how i understand the things and people around me when i cant even understand myself. Iam constantly trying to make people feel better about themselves because i know what its like to feel bad about yourself. But i sometimes find myself asking who the hell would make me feel good about myself? Because i need that person now! I'am also a human, i could feel bad too, i also need someone to make me feel better. I have my family and friends with me but i dont want to add up to their burden because what iam feeling now is nothing compare to the problems that they are facing and the pain they are bearing.

Iam everybody's friend, i give advices, make people feel better about themselves, encouraging them to live their life, making them believe how wonderful life is even if its rough. How can i help them? how can i make them feel better if i'll let them see how empty iam? Its hard. All i want is to make them believe that iam happy, i dont want them to see me frowing because i know they would frown too and i dont want it to happen. I need to be strong for the people who needs me and believes in me. So i'd rather feel the emptiness if its the only way i could lessen their pain.

But you know what? Its better for me to feel the pain than to feel nothing at all. I dont want to be numb. Iam not a suicidal kind of kid but i enjoy seeing blood falling from my wrist. Thats why i want to have a tattoo rather than slitting my wrist over and over again just to feel the pain.


Its hard. Very hard. I dont have any guts to share my problems and what iam bearing now because i always end up swallowing my words, laughing at it and its just a waste of time. But i feel like screaming because i dont have anyone to talk to. Iam tired. Tired of pretending that iam okay, that everything's okay. My thoughts are killing me for i have to ignore what i truly feel. I want to go far far away where i could be alone and be myself, where i could scream my lungs out and breakdown for me to find myself. I want to be gone even just for awhile. I want to escape. I want to understand myself. I want to fly, fly as high as i can where i could touch the clouds, feel  the air kissing my face, hear the wind blowing, watch the leaves swaying as the wind blows, watch the sea waving for me to see in my very eyes how wonderful the world is, that life is worth living for. I mean i know the world is wonderful despite of its imperfections but i want to feel it.


I know you're confused. I know the thoughts in this post is inconsistent. I know this post is hard to understand. Never mind this post because this is just nothing but full of dramas but if you could only see the way i see myself, if you could only live my life, if you could only be me, you would understand.